Halloween Farming Update ft. Scarecrow Steve

For most people, Halloween is a time for trick or treating, going to parties and scaring the neighborhood children. Now while this is true for most U.S. citizens; experienced farmers like me have a much different agenda.

#1. Tending to Crops

Vegetable plants don't embrace excuses.

Oh, I forgot to water you because I was too busy trying to get free candy. Dead. 

Oh, I forgot to regulate the temperature in the greenhouse because I was too busy partying. Dead. 

Had a little too much "punch" last night, so I forgot to remove the one fungi-infected leaf that quickly spread disease to every other plant. Entire garden... DEAD.

Lucky for vegetable plants, experienced farmers don't give excuses. 

Temperature Outside = 40 Degrees Fahrenheit. Temperature in Greenhouse = 64 Degrees Fahrenheit.

Keeping plants well watered with a 2-Liter Pepsi bottle.

Note: Greenhouse sponsored by Pepsi.

Two months in and everything is still alive!

#2. Collecting Leaves

This is a very important process that must be done in the fall in order to have enough compost for next year's garden. Luckily, I was able to get a few bags of these leaves today before the greedy landscapers came.

#3. Reap the Rewards

After 2 months of hard work I was finally able to enjoy my very first harvest. I decided to share the bounty with my family as well. Surprisingly, the cucumber was not enough to satisfy everyone (most members of my family have big appetites), so I decided to harvest one of my carrots as well.

I chopped up the fresh produce and we all enjoyed the feast!

While all this was going on, Scarecrow Steve kept a close watch on the full-size candy bars.

Healthy Plants,

Happy Trick or Treaters,

Cheeseburgers, Fries, Hot Dogs & Pepsi for Dinner,

and in Bed Before 12AM...

"Crying in a Sweater" An Incredible New Movie Starring Kristen Wiig

According to Jimmy Kimmel: "The reviews have been incredible."

I really may have to see this one in 3-D.

Paranoia

Let me start off by saying I have always been a little bit paranoid. To put things into perspective, I used to be at the very bottom of the Pyramid of Paranoia. I had a slight fear of failure, a minimal fear of rejection and a minor fear of anything outside the ten mile radius of my home. Nothing too bad.

However, over the past few years I have been slowly ascending the pyramid and now find myself dangerously close to the peak.

Let me go through the list...

People talking about me? Check.
People threatening me? Check.
People going out of their way to get me? Check.
Conspiracies against me? Check.
People trying to cause significant physical, psychological or social harm against me? CHECK.

On second thought... I may actually be at the peak.


Where Did This Blog Post Idea Come From?
A few weeks ago, (after refusing to get up from my desk in fear of someone messing with my computer or desk) one of my colleagues asked me the following question:

"Oh my god, why are you so paranoid!?"

Better than answer her question; I thought, why not just provide her with some examples, and let her tell me if I should be paranoid.

Better yet I thought, why not write a blog post about what happens to me at work on a daily basis and let everybody else decide if I should be paranoid or not. Yup, I'll go with that.

Just 20 Examples of Why I am PARANOID
#1. I have a colleague who often stalks my sibling's twitter page (This colleague has never actually met my sibling).

#2. Two times I have come back from vacation, only to find that my stuff had been encased in jello.

#3. Colleagues of mine have searched for my grandparents' address and phone number online.

#4. Colleagues have found my grandparents' address and phone number online. 

#5. Colleagues have searched online for my home address.

#6. Colleagues have found my address and used it to find pictures of my house on Google Maps.

#7. Colleagues have searched online for pictures of my grandma.

#8. Colleagues have found pictures of my grandma.
#9. Colleagues have printed out pictures of my grandma...

#10. I have received blackmail in the office.

#11. My colleague asked me the following question:
 "Have you ever swallowed your own teeth before?"

#12. One of my colleagues knows every vehicle that my family members own.

 
#13. Colleagues know my family members' names (Though, only one or two have even met them).

#14. HR keeps trying to marry into my family.

 
#15. HR keeps a printed picture of my mother and grandmother at his desk.

#16. HR often tries to find out where/when I go on vacation so he can "meet up" with my family.

#17. Colleague (Showing me her phone): "Here is a picture of the front of your house"

#18. Colleagues congregate at the opposite end of the office, or in the hallway and stare at me.

 They talk, laugh and stare...

#19. HR has threatened me on several occasions, stating that someone may "hit me in the back of the head with a shovel and throw me into a swamp."

#20. I have received pictures of dead birds and random threats from unknown numbers...

And I ask...

Celine Dion Obliterates the Competition

Most of you already know that Celine Dion is by far the best singer ever to walk the face of the earth. However, for those two or three of you who are somehow still not convinced, just watch the "We Are The World" video below. If you don't have time to watch all eight minutes & thirty-two seconds of this video, please allow me break it down for you.



0:00 - 1:03 - The guy from the movie Annie speaks to the viewers.

1:30 - 3:50 - A bunch of amateurs try to sing (Josh Groban is the lone bright spot).

3:51 - 4:00 - Celine Dion absolutely DESTROYS Lionel Ritchie. If you look carefully, you'll notice Lionel trying to sing, but Celine's voice easily overpowers him. I felt bad at first, but honestly in a competition like this, she had no choice but to make an example out of him. You just don't mess with Celine.

Fact: Contestants who go head-to-head against Celine Dion get SLAUGHTERED ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time. No exceptions.

4:01 - 4:03 - Some random lady decides that it's her turn for a solo. Apparently she didn't get the memo about what had just happened to Lionel Ritchie. Or maybe she was just dazed from the very bright, indoor sunlight. Either way kids, the lesson here is DO NOT MESS WITH CELINE DION!!!

4:03 - 4:04 - Celine Dion (Thinking): The time for childish games is over.

4:04 - 4:07 - From an entirely different room, Celine Dion belts out a devastatingly angelic, earth shaking note; simultaneously stunning the audience and putting the terrible sunglassed woman to shame. 

4:07 - The conductor waves his hand, signaling to the other contestants that Celine is the clear winner of the "We Are the World" competition and hands down the best singer in the entire world.

4:08 - 8:32 - Being that no one else is willing to face Celine one on one, the rest of the song is performed as a group.

My Review of Pizza Hut's Twisted Crust Pizza!

When I go to Pizza Hut I usually opt for the classic medium pan pizza. Sometimes I get it with ground beef, but most times I just stick with plain. Now don't get me wrong the thin crust is very good; I just happen to prefer the deep dish.

Most of my family and friends know that I like pizza, but I love Pizza Hut (To put things into perspective, the background of my phone is a picture of a pizza hut box).

Being that my obsession is so apparent, it was no surprise when cousin texted me about Pizza Hut's new twisted crust pizza (a large thin crust Pizza with a breadstick crust). I was very excited when I found out about this and I promised him that I'd try it next time I went.

Unfortunately, being that I haven't been to Pizza Hut since, I have not yet been able to fulfill this promise. However, I thought today would be the perfect day, for a few reasons.

#1. Thursday football + Pizza Hut = a great combo.
#2. I could never let a month go by and NOT have Pizza Hut.
#3. So far this week I've had McDonald's on Tuesday and Wendy's on Wednesday. I thought, why not keep the streak alive?

Despite one of my colleague's warnings, "Don't have a heart attack today",  I made the official decision that today would be the day.

Order & Pickup

After work I called Pizza Hut and asked about their new Twisted Crust Pizza. I inquired to see if they had a pan version of this pizza. Unfortunately they did not, and so I was ultimately forced to settle for the thinner crust. I ended up getting one large twisted crust pizza and for an extra dollar they threw in a two-liter bottle of Pepsi, which resulted in a grand total of $13.90.

The Taste Test!
For those of you who don't know, the best part about this pizza is that it features a tearable, dippable breadstick crust. At first, I was a little unsure as to how this would work. I feared that after ripping off the crust, the pizza would become very difficult to eat. However much to my surprise, I tore away some of the bread stick crust and there was still enough crust remaining to actually hold the pizza. GENIUS!

It is important for me to note that the crust had extra special garlic flavoring, which made it taste even more amazing! I then dipped the pizza into Pizza Hut's famous marinara sauce and somehow that combination was even better!

Note: I would still choose the regular breadsticks over the "crust-sticks", as they are softer and more airy. Both are great though.

If you enjoy Pizza Hut pizza and/or breadsticks, make sure you try this new Twisted Crust Pizza. An entire meal complete with two dipping sauces and a two-liter bottle of soda for under $15. This is an outstanding deal that you just can't miss! I would easily give it an 8 out of 10!

My Team's Depiction of a Warm Welcome

Being that we had some very important guests visiting our office this week, my team was well aware that providing a unique, world-class welcome was critical.  

Note: For story telling purposes, the visiting company's name was "Vocation".

In order to come up with this outstanding welcome, we decided to have a quick brainstorming session first. Here is a rough illustration of how our meeting went.

The meeting kicked off with a great positive vibe.

Team Member #1: "Oh, there's no way they'll be here on time. I'm calling it now."

Me: "Okay...that's not really a warm welcome" Or really any kind of welcome at all.

Team Member #2: "How about we all greet them in a different language?" (Pointing at each of us.) "Spanish, Portuguese, Hebrew..."
  

Me: "I'm not Portuguese."

Team Member #2: "I thought you were 2% or 3% Portuguese. I think I remember you telling me that."

Me: "No, I'm not. Also, [Colleague #1] does not know Hebrew."

I was already beginning to lose faith.

Me: "ANY other ideas?"

Team Member #3: "Let's sing them a song." (Beginning to sing in a monotone voice) "Welcome..."

Me:  Being that the song actually began with the word "welcome", I tentatively asked to hear the rest.

Team Member #3: (Continuing in the same monotone voice) Welcome, welcome voc-a-tion. Keep on walking in that di-rec-tion. (Pointing towards the exit.)

Me: "Oh my god... we are trying to WELCOME these people. Are there any other ideas!?"

Team Member #4: "I'm still mad that I have to get up so early. I'm just gonna be picketing outside when the guests come."

Conclusion: Every other department in the company was formally introduced to the guests.

Our team was instructed to smile and wave.

$2.67 McDonald's Tuesday!?

Normally I bring my lunch to work on Mondays, Tuesdays & Thursdays; so a few of my colleagues were very confused when I ended up going to McDonald's today. Basically, I didn't make lunch for this week so I had to choose a healthy alternative for Tuesday's lunch. Being that I don't have lunch to bring for Thursday either, another spot decision will have to be made in the next two days. Actually never mind, I think I have a team lunch that day.

Anyway, so I ended up going to McDonald's because I had a couple of coupons to use. One was for a small free beverage and the other one was for a happy meal! Now I can't disclose where I got these coupons from, but they are very special coupons. They allow you to get items on the menu without being forced to buy something, as opposed to normal coupons which are usually "buy x get x or y free". Essentially these special McD coupons are tickets for free food!!!

In addition to getting a small beverage and a happy meal, I also decided to get a couple items off of the "Dollar Menu & More" menu. When it was all said and done my total bill came out to be only $2.67!

I got the following for under $3.

- Two Small Cokes
- Two Small Fries
- One McDouble
- One McChicken
- One Cheddar & Onion Burger (I highly recommend)
- One awesome Halloween Minions bucket, complete with a sticker book cover.

I asked both cashiers if the Happy Meal also came with a toy, but they said that the bucket was the toy. Thinking I had been ripped off, I was a little upset and my happiness level dropped to around a four (10 = extremely happy & 1 = miserable). However, later when I found out that the cover to the bucket was actually a bunch of stickers, my happiness level shot right back up (to about an eight).

What a great day this turned out to be... and tomorrow is Wendy's Wednesday!

Guess That Song #2 (Tap to Speak Edition)

Some people were having difficulty getting the first 3 songs, so I decided to make this one a little bit easier. See if you can guess the song below, it's a fan favorite.

Making my way downtown walking fast faces pass and I'm homebound.

Staring blankly ahead just making my way making a way through the crowd.

Nanana nananana Indonesia nananananana and I miss you nanananananana and now I wonder if I could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by cuz you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just cu tonight.

It's always times like these when I think of you and I wonder if you ever think of me.

Cuz everything's so wrong and I don't belong living in your precious memory.

Nananananananana cuz I need you nananana nananana and I miss you banananananana and now I wonder.

If I could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just cu tonight.

And sign I wanna let you know I hi drown in your memory hi hi don't want to let this go hahaha don't.

Making my way downtown walking fast faces pass and I'm homebound.

 Staring blankly ahead just making my way making my way through the crowd.

Nanana nananana and I still need you nanana nananana and I still miss you nananananananana and now I wonder.

If I could fall into the sky do you think I because you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I can just cu. O ho. I could fall into the sky do you think time would pass me by cuz you know I'd walk a thousand miles if I could just cu so I could just hold you tonight.

Nananananananana Madonna nanananananana  dadadadadadadada do do do do bananananananana do do dododo dododo dododo do do.

Thank You Letter From Benny R.

I arrived home from work today only to find that my dog and I had received a letter in the mail. Who was it from, you ask? From none other than the one and only Benny R.!!! I opened up the envelope and found the following:

Despite only being one year old, Benny R. was able to order personalized thank you cards, write a paw-written letter, find the address to my home, buy stamps and mail out this letter. He can even express gratitude (as shown above). This dog is just incredible!

Benny R. Skills
- Hosting birthday parties.
- Having play dates.
- Using the U.S. Postal Service.

I honestly can't even predict what he'll do next.

Top Soccer Shootout (32 Million Views)

I don't watch much soccer, but this is by far the best shootout I have ever seen!!! Scott Sterling may be the best goal keeper ever to walk the face of the earth.

My Seven Favorite Clips of The Apparently Kid (Noah Ritter)

If you haven't seen this kid yet, watch the first clip. Hilarious. 

These are just my favorites. There are a lot more good ones on YouTube. 

#1. September 2014 - Interview (Part 1)

#2. September 2014 - Interview (Part 2)

#3. September 2014 - Noah Walks with Dinosaurs

#4. October 2014 - Noah Goes to Texas

#5. November 2014 - Noah Meets with Sofia Vergara

#6. November 2014 - Noah Talks About his Birthday

#7. February 2015 - Noah Goes to Hawaii

Just a Normal Friday

Have you ever had a day at work where you weren't harassed, threatened, tortured, heckled or abused? Yeah.. me neither.

Actually to be honest, this Friday started off pretty good. I sat at my desk and wasn't bothered for an ENTIRE HOUR (Normally, if I get just five minutes of peace it's a lucky day).

Unfortunately, 10AM quickly arrived and the wolves awoke from their slumber. The rest of the day went on as follows..

Brief Summary (10:01 A.M. to Lunchtime)
(Colleague randomly coming over to my desk and stating this "fact")
"It's interesting how this company has gone straight downhill since you started working here."

(Colleague questioning my job & work ethic.)

(Just a plain insult.)
"You're a terrible person."

 
(An observation?)
"You bring out the worst in everybody."

(After asking my colleague a work related question.)
"Can you shut up?"

Lunchtime
This was definitely the best time of the day. I got my one pound Cheeseburger from Fuddruckers and it was amazing as usual. I still don't know how they cook it so well in only five to ten minutes!

After Lunchtime
This happiness was short lived. I returned to my desk only to find a letter sitting on my keyboard. It was a very similar looking envelope to the blackmail I received from the previous week. The only difference was that my first name on this envelope was spelled correctly. I opened the letter and it read as follows:

If you can't read the letter above, here is what it says:

9:13 A.M.

EARLY IS ON TIME
ON TIME IS LATE
AND WELL... LATE IS JUST UNACCEPTABLE

THIS IS YOUR SECOND WARNING

YOU ARE BEING WATCHED!!!!


Who Keeps Blackmailing Me???
I believe this is a conspiracy involving two customer "care" members and my "good buddy".

Reason #1. Customer "Care" Member A occasionally walks past my cubicle and looks over at me, smiling as if she had done something wrong/ is plotting against me.

Reason #2. Customer "Care" Member B took a picture of me through the window one day prior. (Trying to get proof that I arrived to work late).

Reason #3. Customer Care members are among the select few that have main access to this security camera.

Reason #4. These two Customer "Care" members were in the same office as "my good buddy" right after the letter was placed on my keyboard (Many of my other co-workers were not back from lunch yet, but these three were).

Reason #5. My "good buddy" does not work in the Customer "Care" department, nor does he work with them on any kind of company related tasks/projects.

Reason #6. Last week I told Customer "Care" Member #1 that my name was spelled wrong on the first blackmail envelope. She denied involvement.

Reason #6. The second (blackmail containing) envelope, that I just received, had the correct spelling of my name!!!

Although they keep denying it, I'm convinced they're all in on it.

End of Day
After being harassed in the morning and receiving blackmail in the afternoon; I figured it would only be right for this daily theme to stay consistent throughout the remainder of the day.

Boss #1: "Why is it that you have two monitors and I only ever see you using one?"

Me: "Oh my god, why are you always looking at my screens. I just closed out of a program."

Boss #1: "Yeah."

(Both of my bosses walked passed my desk and headed down the hall.)

Boss #2: "He is trying to look important..."

Me: