My Dating Profile (30 Questions)

The "Matchmakers" in My Life
For my entire life people have been trying to play matchmaker for me. These people include (but are not limited to):

- Family (Mostly my grandmas and aunt)
- Friends (Harassment back in college)
- Family friends (Multiple occurrences)
- Co-workers (Constant Torture. "I think you would like my friends")
- Neighbors (Brought a girl over for me to meet, despite my pleas against it. Wasn't too discreet...)
- Friends of my grandparents ("Oh, I would love you to meet my granddaughter.")

Here are just a couple of examples over the past few years. I remember these pretty clearly.

Example #1. Babysitter
My Aunt texted me one night after work, asking if I could bring back her spare house key. Her text seemed urgent, so as soon as I got home I picked up the spare key and headed to my Aunt's house. Upon ringing the bell I noticed that neither my Aunt or Uncle were home.

Instead, I was greeted by my younger cousins and their babysitter. Actually it was more like I was greeted by the babysitter and attacked by my cousins. I handed the babysitter the spare key and started to leave. Immediately one cousin started pulling my arm and the other one slammed the door behind me.

Me: "Umm.. what are you doing?"
Cousin #1: "This is a set up!"
Cousin #2: "Yeah, this is a set up!"

***Awkward Silence***

Example #2. My Grandma's Secret Plan
My family and I took a Sunday trip to visit my grandparents. I figured we would probably get breakfast, go shopping, maybe go to the pool and then go out to dinner. I ended up being right about most of this.

Instead of all going to breakfast together, my grandma asked me to drive her to the store first so I could help her carry some groceries.

She mentioned we would go to a different
breakfast place than the rest of my family, as it was closer to this particular grocery store. I didn't mind. I made sure to call my mom to confirm this change.

After shopping we stopped at a breakfast place. Who do we happen to run into, but my grandma's chiropractor and her (high school student) daughter. Oh, what a coincidence!!!

Short Backstory: My grandma mentioned this girl to me about three times before this. She even tried finding her on Facebook. Despite my many, many, many pleas stating that I did not want to meet anyone, she still set this little date up.

Being that I had the car keys, I was thinking about maybe just leaving my grandma there. I figured I could just pick her up when she was done eating. Three girls having breakfast together and chatting about clothes, makeup shopping etc. How much more fun could it be!?

However, after much internal debate, I decided to stay. I figured some people may view ditching your grandma as a sign of rude behavior. My family probably wouldn't have appreciated it either.

Anyway it didn't all turn out to be so bad. The three of them talked. I drank some Apple Juice and got a Sausage, Egg & Cheese on a plain bagel. I would give the whole meal an 8/10.  As we left the restaurant, I made a quick mental note for the future: "never to go to breakfast alone with your grandma."

We finally got back to my grandparents house. My family had already returned from breakfast. I immediately went over to tell them what had just happened.

Me: "Grandma just tried setting me up with her chiropractor's daughter..."
Mom: (Slight pause) "...We all knew. I felt so bad for not telling you!"

Note to Self: Never trust your grandma... or your family.


My Dating Profile (30 Questions)
In order to help everyone in their eternal quest to get me a date, I've finally decided to make a dating profile. If anyone has questions on "What I like" or "What I'm looking for" I will send them to this exact webpage. Problem Solved.

Let's begin!

#1. Favorite Color: Blue
 
#2. Smoke/Drink: No/Rarely (Certain people get overly excited when I take shots. It still doesn't make sense to me.)

#3. Favorite Foods: Cheeseburgers, Pizza, Chicken Parm, Movie Popcorn (Extra Butter)

#4. Least Favorite Foods: Pretty much everything, other than what's listed above

#5. Likes: Pizza Hut, Burger King, Wendy's, McDonald's

#6. Dislikes: Dancing, Parties, Shopping, Salad

#7. Hobbies: Tennis, Basketball, Piano, Video Games, Blogging, Avid Gardener

#8. Interested in (Men/Women): Neither

#9. Funniest Church Story: I got yelled at by the priest at my cousin's communion.

#10. Favorite Artist: Celine Dion

#11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be? My house.

#12. If you could invite anyone, dead or alive, to dinner, who would it be? The Burger King, so I can get good discounts.

#13. What do you do for fun? Stay home. 

#14. Do you want/have any children? Only if I don't have to get a wife/ Not that I'm aware of.

#15. Do you want to get married someday? If I get a good tax break. Are there any other benefits?

#16. What 3 words would your best friend use to describe you? N/A. I only have enemies.

#17. Where do you see yourself in five years? Living on a farm with a dog.

#18. What kind of relationship are you looking for? A nonexistent one.

#19. If you were an animal in the wild, what would you be? Bulbasaur

#20. What are your best pickup lines? #1. How much money do you make?  #2. How much do you weigh?

#21. Do you have a party trick? Yes. I can leave as soon as the party starts.

#22. What’s something you look for in a woman? The ability to "leave me alone".

#23. What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard? Date me or you'll be sorry... very sorry.

#24. What kind of car do you drive? None of your business.

#25. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you? My uncle pantsed me in Burger King. Old people were looking at me.

#26. Do you speak any other languages? Fluent in Mandarin & I know a little Spanish. Hola!

#27. What makes you cry? My colleagues. (I schedule crying time from 2:00 PM - 2:05 PM every day. Then I'm good to go for the afternoon.)

#28. Favorite TV Shows: Extreme Couponing, Extreme Cheapskates, Shark Tank

#29. If you have friends coming for a meal what would you cook? It depends if I wanted them to stay or not. Most likely oatmeal.

#30. What’s your idea of a perfect first date? One that never happens.