Benny R.'s Job Interview

Shocking News
I was recently informed that over the past couple of months, Benny R. got engaged and then MARRIED his BFF Oscar.

I was surprised about this for a few reasons:

#1. I didn't hear about an engagement party or any type of wedding.
#2. Both dogs are still very young.
#3. I didn't realize that Benny R. & Oscar were much more than friends. 
#4. Everything happened so fast.

However, I guess when your talking in terms of dog years (one human year = seven dog years), everything in life happens more quickly. Even so, I still think that seven years old is a little too young to get married.

Although unlike Benny R., I am no prodigy.

Being that Benny R. is now married, his owner told me that he must now look for a job in order to support his new husband.

Again, I believe there are child labor laws that prevent this, but when you're a dog I guess these rules don't apply?

Anyway I thought, if he could learn to jump on the couch and drink a gallon of water all in one day, working at an office job would be a breeze. So after just a few more minutes of internal debate, I agreed to interview him.  

The Interview
His owner told me that he would be coming into the office for an interview at 5PM (It was 4PM at that time). Despite the extremely short notice we scheduled the meeting for 5PM.

Around 4:50PM I was called by Customer Care to let me know that my interviewee had arrived. 

At this point I was optimistic that Benny R. understood the importance of making a good first impression. "Early is on time and on-time is late."

I eagerly headed on over to the interview room to meet him. Unfortunately, I was not as impressed with his choice of office attire.

Normally, business professionals come in for interviews wearing a suit and tie. Depending on the type of job, sometimes even just a shirt and tie would be considered acceptable. However I walked into the room and immediately noticed that Benny R. wasn't wearing anything at all!

I didn't know if it was a joke or what, but I was not very pleased.

Despite this, I remained professional (ignoring his unacceptable attire or lack thereof) and continued on with the interview.

How is your commute?
Short. I learned that Benny R. actually ran three miles to the interview.

Tell me a little about yourself.
- Benny R. can eat a pound of ground beef in one sitting.
- Benny R. does not have rain boots. A rain jacket was given to him, but it doesn't fit.

Strengths
- Favorite program is Powerpoint.

Weaknesses
- Least favorite Program is Microsoft Word (He can't type).

Fun Fact
- Benny R. likes commercials with dogs (He barks at the TV).

References
After the interview, I decided to contact a couple references to get the real scoop on Benny R. Here is the information I received:

Reference #1: Benny R. is smart/intelligent. He can handle anything and is very flexible. He's one of a kind.

Reference #2: Benny R. is cute, lovable & soft.

Although possibly very biased, these opinions were factored into my ultimate decision.

My Final Evaluation
Overall I believe that Benny R. has many great qualities and skills that would make him a good candidate for this position.

Some of these abilities include but are not limited to the following:

Strengths

 
#1. Possessing the rare talent of eating a pound of ground beef in one sitting.
#2. The ability to solve difficult math problems all in his head. (100% accuracy)
#3. He's cute and soft.
#4. He has the eagerness and willingness to growl at and bite his fellow co-workers.

Now while Benny R. obviously has skills that can help add value to our team, there were some things that I simply could not overlook.

Weaknesses:

#1. Benny R. cannot type on the computer, so he has difficulty using Excel and Word (He barks at others to do it for him. That is actually kind of rude.)
#2. He does not have rain boots. Running to work 3 miles per day barefoot will lead to muddy paw prints in the office. I like the dedication, just not the mess.
#3. Benny R. came completely naked to the interview. (Definitely not appropriate in an office setting)
#4. When the interview was over I thanked him. He growled at me...

Final Decision
Unfortunately, I do not feel that Benny R. would be best fit for this role. However, with his love of Powerpoint, his strong sense of creativity and his free spirit I feel that Benny R. would be best suited for either a job in Marketing or Graphic Design. I would suggest that he come in for a second interview.

Prediction: In 2016, Benny R. & Oscar will adopt a puppy.

Sleeping Like a Baby

Sleep safe and soundly 100% of the time with WalMart's new warm & cozy Pepperoni Pizza PJs! All ages can now enjoy the comfort of being encased in pizza all night long.

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NYC Magic Carpet Ride

Aladdin lives among us...

2,000 Pageviews Milestone & October Survey Results

Somehow this site has already reached 2,000 total pageviews. The main purpose of this site was originally to document all the craziness that happens to me on a daily basis (despite the fact that I rarely leave my house). However, it seems that many people enjoy these stories (especially when I'm harassed and/or threatened).










Fun Fact (For Gamers): The total number of October pageviews was 1,337 (For those who don't know, 1,337 refers to the term "leet" also known as eleet or leetspeak, is an alternative alphabet for the English language that is used primarily on the Internet - Wikipedia)

 
 


Three Most Popular Posts (All Time) 
In reviewing all posts so far, the three most popular ones were as follows:

#1. The Dog Party (Benny R.'s First Birthday) - 132 Pageviews
#2. My Dating Profile (30 Questions) - 43 Pageviews
#3. Speeding Ticket Thursday - 40 Pageviews

October Survey (Results are in)
Before I post the survey results, I have to note the fact that Benny R. Adventures only had one or two votes around the middle of October. In addition, this poll was set up to block repeat voters (by blocking each IP address after the vote has been placed). This is to prevent any one person from voting 1,000 times on a single option. Voters still had the option of selecting multiple categories.

Despite this, Benny R. Adventures shot up from one to two votes all the way up to 35, in only a day!!! I believe it was October 27th. I'm still unsure as to how this happened, but the poll is now closed and the results are as follows:

Reviewing the Results
#1. Benny R. Adventures - 35 Total Votes (72% of voters) 
I believe that the Benny R. Adventures vote was somehow rigged. Although I have no proof, I believe that Benny R.'s owner was somehow involved. Paranoia.

#2. Colleague Quotes & When I'm Harassed or Threatened - 12 Total Votes (25% of voters)
Being that I am verbally abused every single day, I was definitely not surprised to see people voted for more "When I am harassed and/or threatened" posts (It's safe to assume that all 12 votes came from my co-workers).
 
#3. Pretty Much Everything Else - 3 Total Votes (2% of voters)
Despite the poll results, I've been getting a lot of positive feedback on my vegetables, especially on the "little cucumber". Fast food and farming posts will continue!!!!

If anyone has a good Survey idea for the month of November please let me know in the comments below.

Note: Only APPROPRIATE comments are welcome (You know who you are). Thank you.

Halloween Farming Update ft. Scarecrow Steve

For most people, Halloween is a time for trick or treating, going to parties and scaring the neighborhood children. Now while this is true for most U.S. citizens; experienced farmers like me have a much different agenda.

#1. Tending to Crops

Vegetable plants don't embrace excuses.

Oh, I forgot to water you because I was too busy trying to get free candy. Dead. 

Oh, I forgot to regulate the temperature in the greenhouse because I was too busy partying. Dead. 

Had a little too much "punch" last night, so I forgot to remove the one fungi-infected leaf that quickly spread disease to every other plant. Entire garden... DEAD.

Lucky for vegetable plants, experienced farmers don't give excuses. 

Temperature Outside = 40 Degrees Fahrenheit. Temperature in Greenhouse = 64 Degrees Fahrenheit.

Keeping plants well watered with a 2-Liter Pepsi bottle.

Note: Greenhouse sponsored by Pepsi.

Two months in and everything is still alive!

#2. Collecting Leaves

This is a very important process that must be done in the fall in order to have enough compost for next year's garden. Luckily, I was able to get a few bags of these leaves today before the greedy landscapers came.

#3. Reap the Rewards

After 2 months of hard work I was finally able to enjoy my very first harvest. I decided to share the bounty with my family as well. Surprisingly, the cucumber was not enough to satisfy everyone (most members of my family have big appetites), so I decided to harvest one of my carrots as well.

I chopped up the fresh produce and we all enjoyed the feast!

While all this was going on, Scarecrow Steve kept a close watch on the full-size candy bars.

Healthy Plants,

Happy Trick or Treaters,

Cheeseburgers, Fries, Hot Dogs & Pepsi for Dinner,

and in Bed Before 12AM...

"Crying in a Sweater" An Incredible New Movie Starring Kristen Wiig

According to Jimmy Kimmel: "The reviews have been incredible."

I really may have to see this one in 3-D.

Paranoia

Let me start off by saying I have always been a little bit paranoid. To put things into perspective, I used to be at the very bottom of the Pyramid of Paranoia. I had a slight fear of failure, a minimal fear of rejection and a minor fear of anything outside the ten mile radius of my home. Nothing too bad.

However, over the past few years I have been slowly ascending the pyramid and now find myself dangerously close to the peak.

Let me go through the list...

People talking about me? Check.
People threatening me? Check.
People going out of their way to get me? Check.
Conspiracies against me? Check.
People trying to cause significant physical, psychological or social harm against me? CHECK.

On second thought... I may actually be at the peak.


Where Did This Blog Post Idea Come From?
A few weeks ago, (after refusing to get up from my desk in fear of someone messing with my computer or desk) one of my colleagues asked me the following question:

"Oh my god, why are you so paranoid!?"

Better than answer her question; I thought, why not just provide her with some examples, and let her tell me if I should be paranoid.

Better yet I thought, why not write a blog post about what happens to me at work on a daily basis and let everybody else decide if I should be paranoid or not. Yup, I'll go with that.

Just 20 Examples of Why I am PARANOID
#1. I have a colleague who often stalks my sibling's twitter page (This colleague has never actually met my sibling).

#2. Two times I have come back from vacation, only to find that my stuff had been encased in jello.

#3. Colleagues of mine have searched for my grandparents' address and phone number online.

#4. Colleagues have found my grandparents' address and phone number online. 

#5. Colleagues have searched online for my home address.

#6. Colleagues have found my address and used it to find pictures of my house on Google Maps.

#7. Colleagues have searched online for pictures of my grandma.

#8. Colleagues have found pictures of my grandma.
#9. Colleagues have printed out pictures of my grandma...

#10. I have received blackmail in the office.

#11. My colleague asked me the following question:
 "Have you ever swallowed your own teeth before?"

#12. One of my colleagues knows every vehicle that my family members own.

 
#13. Colleagues know my family members' names (Though, only one or two have even met them).

#14. HR keeps trying to marry into my family.

 
#15. HR keeps a printed picture of my mother and grandmother at his desk.

#16. HR often tries to find out where/when I go on vacation so he can "meet up" with my family.

#17. Colleague (Showing me her phone): "Here is a picture of the front of your house"

#18. Colleagues congregate at the opposite end of the office, or in the hallway and stare at me.

 They talk, laugh and stare...

#19. HR has threatened me on several occasions, stating that someone may "hit me in the back of the head with a shovel and throw me into a swamp."

#20. I have received pictures of dead birds and random threats from unknown numbers...

And I ask...

Celine Dion Obliterates the Competition

Most of you already know that Celine Dion is by far the best singer ever to walk the face of the earth. However, for those two or three of you who are somehow still not convinced, just watch the "We Are The World" video below. If you don't have time to watch all eight minutes & thirty-two seconds of this video, please allow me break it down for you.



0:00 - 1:03 - The guy from the movie Annie speaks to the viewers.

1:30 - 3:50 - A bunch of amateurs try to sing (Josh Groban is the lone bright spot).

3:51 - 4:00 - Celine Dion absolutely DESTROYS Lionel Ritchie. If you look carefully, you'll notice Lionel trying to sing, but Celine's voice easily overpowers him. I felt bad at first, but honestly in a competition like this, she had no choice but to make an example out of him. You just don't mess with Celine.

Fact: Contestants who go head-to-head against Celine Dion get SLAUGHTERED ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the time. No exceptions.

4:01 - 4:03 - Some random lady decides that it's her turn for a solo. Apparently she didn't get the memo about what had just happened to Lionel Ritchie. Or maybe she was just dazed from the very bright, indoor sunlight. Either way kids, the lesson here is DO NOT MESS WITH CELINE DION!!!

4:03 - 4:04 - Celine Dion (Thinking): The time for childish games is over.

4:04 - 4:07 - From an entirely different room, Celine Dion belts out a devastatingly angelic, earth shaking note; simultaneously stunning the audience and putting the terrible sunglassed woman to shame. 

4:07 - The conductor waves his hand, signaling to the other contestants that Celine is the clear winner of the "We Are the World" competition and hands down the best singer in the entire world.

4:08 - 8:32 - Being that no one else is willing to face Celine one on one, the rest of the song is performed as a group.

My Review of Pizza Hut's Twisted Crust Pizza!

When I go to Pizza Hut I usually opt for the classic medium pan pizza. Sometimes I get it with ground beef, but most times I just stick with plain. Now don't get me wrong the thin crust is very good; I just happen to prefer the deep dish.

Most of my family and friends know that I like pizza, but I love Pizza Hut (To put things into perspective, the background of my phone is a picture of a pizza hut box).

Being that my obsession is so apparent, it was no surprise when cousin texted me about Pizza Hut's new twisted crust pizza (a large thin crust Pizza with a breadstick crust). I was very excited when I found out about this and I promised him that I'd try it next time I went.

Unfortunately, being that I haven't been to Pizza Hut since, I have not yet been able to fulfill this promise. However, I thought today would be the perfect day, for a few reasons.

#1. Thursday football + Pizza Hut = a great combo.
#2. I could never let a month go by and NOT have Pizza Hut.
#3. So far this week I've had McDonald's on Tuesday and Wendy's on Wednesday. I thought, why not keep the streak alive?

Despite one of my colleague's warnings, "Don't have a heart attack today",  I made the official decision that today would be the day.

Order & Pickup

After work I called Pizza Hut and asked about their new Twisted Crust Pizza. I inquired to see if they had a pan version of this pizza. Unfortunately they did not, and so I was ultimately forced to settle for the thinner crust. I ended up getting one large twisted crust pizza and for an extra dollar they threw in a two-liter bottle of Pepsi, which resulted in a grand total of $13.90.

The Taste Test!
For those of you who don't know, the best part about this pizza is that it features a tearable, dippable breadstick crust. At first, I was a little unsure as to how this would work. I feared that after ripping off the crust, the pizza would become very difficult to eat. However much to my surprise, I tore away some of the bread stick crust and there was still enough crust remaining to actually hold the pizza. GENIUS!

It is important for me to note that the crust had extra special garlic flavoring, which made it taste even more amazing! I then dipped the pizza into Pizza Hut's famous marinara sauce and somehow that combination was even better!

Note: I would still choose the regular breadsticks over the "crust-sticks", as they are softer and more airy. Both are great though.

If you enjoy Pizza Hut pizza and/or breadsticks, make sure you try this new Twisted Crust Pizza. An entire meal complete with two dipping sauces and a two-liter bottle of soda for under $15. This is an outstanding deal that you just can't miss! I would easily give it an 8 out of 10!